Report from Headquarters

Crispus and Whitey tuning in.

Come in … sshh, zzz, sshzzz … anyone there? Shh, zzz, sshzz—

Blackberry: That doesn’t sound like static at all.

Whitey: Makes me tired.

Crispus: What do you think static should sound like?

Blackberry: I don’t know.

Whitey: Like, whaa, whaa, crzzzsh, maa-ah-ah—

Crispus: Horrible! Stop!

Blackberry: alkjfdoiafkhcnm, soeinzzzkljdfoaika dfi, akdjfoiek, ahog.

Crispus: That’s better. I like it.

Whitey: Completely none understandable.

Crispus: Fine, Blackberry can be the static maker.

Blackberry: Yippy! Maaaaaa!

Crispus: Wait! We might need you to make static.

Whitey: I can do it.

Crispus: Quiet. I am tuning in. Bbzzz, beep, beep … Anyone there? Yes, this is Crispus. General Crispus reporting. We have not been in touch recently due to a series of bombings.

Whitey: Bombings?

Crispus: We talked about this.

Whitey: I don’t think so.

Crispus: Well, listen while I fill in the unsuspecting public. The bombings have increased in frequency but not as bad as last year. Multiple goats have been hit—

Whitey: Terrible!

Crispus: but we have no casualties thanks to the cleanup duty.

Whitey: Cleanup duty, who, where?

Crispus: That would be Emm. She—

Whitey: Food. Mea-e-e.

Crispus: Where? I don’t … Stop, you distracted me.

Whitey: No, I did—

Crispus: But, public, the bombs have increased in frequency. Every day one goat is hit and their coat is dirtied with the horrible—

Blackberry: ahfodiajdla—

Crispus: droppings—

Blackberry: aldfhdoafd akdlfjdo fhdo—

Crispus: of the –

Blackberry: yybnwkihcjkowiuxc,sa—

Crispus: Pigeons!

Blackberry: duoyemc jcuew, oiejkch; aoejk: oeklcj! Ouelj! Woulcyklolehm! Aoelucl! Lkouweolul!!! Ouelc!!!! Oeulcyl!!! Poulknm mqyxjuykd lkweuocul !!!!!!!!!!! OW!!

Crispus: Well, that is what you get for not stopping when I ask.

Blackberry: I couldn’t hear you. The static was too loud.

Whitey: It was. I couldn’t hear you either.

Crispus: No more static.

Blackberry: But I told Ma that I was the professional static maker and she was listening in and, OW! Ma-a-a.

Crispus: Now—

Whitey: We lost the static maker.

Crispus: As I was saying misinformed public. We have been in radio silence because of the pigeon bombings. Our plan of attack? We have a residential translator that has learned multiple languages: mouse, cow, some sparrow, chicken (which was a very easy language to learn), and a few smidgens of others including … drum roll Whitey.

Whitey: Daa, Maa, Me-e-e.

Crispus: Pigeon! This translator can speak to the pigeons and get them to cease and deists their droppings of bombs.

Whitey: We are trying for the non-violent way before we head-butt them.

Crispus: Right but we will inform the public about that later.

…

…

…

Whitey: Now what?

Crispus: I am waiting for the translator to come back.

Whitey: Oh.

…

Whitey: There she is. She is eating.

Crispus: Translator! We need you!

Blackberry: Num, num, I’m, yumm.

Whitey: Foooood!

Crispus: Soldier come back! Actually … public, tune in later for an update on the bombings and our translator’s success. If she has success. I have an engagement, very important, with the hay, bzz, beep, shszzz …